Something I encounter quite often when I talk about grief with other people is surprise. Many of my friends over the years have expressed that they have never considered the fact that grief shows up in the face of all kinds of loss, not just the death of a loved one. We can experience grief with the loss of a job, a beloved pet passing over the rainbow bridge, a romantic relationship ending, cutting contact with toxic family or friends, moving far away from the people and places you love to pursue new opportunities, and so much more. Any circumstance that leaves a significant void in your life will bring about some sort of grief. While the circumstances may differ from person to person, the core concept of grief remains the same - We mourn for what once was, what we wish we still had, the people that we miss. Change in any form is really hard, and we all struggle with loss at some point in our lives.
Grief is one of those touchy subjects that is still not talked about openly, and it tends to get hidden or compartmentalized in order to deal with everything else you have going on. But it doesn’t just go away or get easier when you don’t sit with it, sit in the feelings of loss and let yourself heal. This is the hardest part about navigating grief and loss. When friends gradually stop checking in as often, when you have to force yourself to resume normal life despite the pain, how do you handle that? Shutting down and becoming numb is an easy option, easier than openly displaying the grief and tears for the whole world to see. And the days may start to feel easier. Being around other people is a good distraction. But what about the night, when everything comes back up to the surface and you cry yourself to sleep? What about the nightmares, the insomnia, the painful memories that just won’t go away? How do you handle that? When the darkness inside you matches the darkness in the room, it threatens to swallow you whole. So how do you even begin to overcome that feeling?
There are 3 things I like to focus on when I’m struggling with grief, and maybe they will be helpful to you too.
1. Self-Care
This might seem obvious, but self-care when you’re struggling is so important and it can also be the first thing that gets put on the back burner. When you’re experiencing grief or depression, self-care doesn’t necessarily mean bubble baths and expensive skincare routines. Sometimes, when you’re at your lowest and can barely even get out of bed, self-care looks like making sure you stay hydrated and fed. This can also look like putting up sticky notes with affirmations, or spending time cuddling your pets. Staying in bed and feeling the feelings is incredibly important, but so is making sure your basic needs are met too.
2. Community
Something I’ve learned recently that really surprised me is that my community is incredibly receptive and supportive when I reach out for help. I know it can be so hard to ask for help, and it’s so easy to feel like you’re a burden to friends. But friends are there for a reason, and you can absolutely lean on them in times of hardship and struggle. They can’t check in and support you if they don’t necessarily know you need that. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your people. Let them catch you and lift you up when you can’t do that for yourself.
3. The Little Things
This is a big one for me. Usually when I start to feel a bit better, I want to surround myself with all the little things that bring me joy. A good cup of coffee, my favorite blanket, sitting in my living room at dawn and watching the sun stream through the windows and across the floor. I think it’s essential to look for the small things that make you happy, because in doing so you are reminded of what makes life worth it.
The pit of grief can feel endless at times. And it’s okay to sit in that for however long you need. But it’s also important to make space for the things that are going well in your life or that simply bring you joy - loved ones, pets, a good book, going for a walk and enjoying the fresh air. Life is all about duality, the bad and the good existing at the same time. The grief and the joy. Looking for that light in the darkness will help you get to a place of healing and peace.
